"When we long for life without...difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."
- Peter Marshall
Those would be wise words for me to remember right now, for I am feeling overwhelmed.
I'll admit my anxiety is coming for a visit, where it's very unwelcome. My body shakes with fear at challenging myself to be more than I am, yet I know I must.
I know that without challenge I won't be satisfied. Without it I'll feel as if I'm not living up to my full potential and that I'm cutting myself short.
But I am terrified.
Shaking in my boots and clinging to my mama kind of terrified.
I am so afraid of not being "good enough".
I'm afraid of looking stupid.
I'm afraid of..myself.
When I'm feeling quite positive I remind myself that I'm invited to participate in life. I remind myself that I'm welcome to all the opportunities in this world just like everyone else.
Those statements are overly simplistic, yet always ring true, if only I could find the strength to hold tight to them.
This all relates to a recent occurrence of a professor tapping into my dreams and making it seem like they are worth something.
With his kind words I was shaken, and once safe in my car let the tears flow.
I don't do well with this positive attention.
I crumble under praise, while I should be rising up.
I fear he is wrong and maybe I don't truly have what it takes, but something inside of me is pushing me to pursue this idea of an MFA. Something is telling me this is right.
It would complicate my life in so many ways.
It would add more obstacles to certain paths while clearing others.
My entire route would need to be changed, yet I'm strongly considering this redirection.
If only I knew how to tame this fear. If I knew how to rattle my finger and turn Fear from a beast to something a tad bit more cuddly this just might be easier.
Maybe that's the point though, that this won't be easy.
But will it be worth it?
I think it could be.
Now here's to exploration and seeing where this journey may take me.
I'll pack up my bags and lock them tight, hoping that little mongrel named Fear will stay behind.
Love and Possibilities,